Day 6 - Love Is Not Irritable

Sorry for the delay on my Love Dare posts. I got a little frustrated with Nik not telling me the three most irritating things that I do, and we also had a very busy weekend spending lots of time together, so we were naturally thinking about each other and enjoying each other and the girls, so the Love Dare was kind of on a back burner. Anyway, here is what the Love Dare says for Day 6:

"Love Is Not Irritable"

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. - Proverbs 16:32

Today's Dare:

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations you need to release from your life.

Things to Ponder:

Where do you need to add margin to your life? When have you recently overreacted? What was your real motivation behind it?

This is where I have a lot of issues with Nik in our marriage. I know I have recently overreacted about something he wanted to purchase that was not a necessity, while I could easily justify my own purchase. I can definitely be irritable, mostly because I tend to see myself as always right and as "wiser" than my husband, and he is also often irritable, and we tend to irritate each other just by being irritable ourselves. It's a bad cycle! The Love Dare goes on to talk about the meaning of "irritable" as "being near the point of a knife". The things that cause irritability are things that all adults, and especially married couples, deal with on a daily basis: stress (which we many times place on ourselves by overspending, overworking, or overindulging, or by not getting enough rest, nutrition, or exercise), and selfishness. Selfishness is a huge recurring theme in The Love Dare, and it's definitely the hardest part. I feel like Nik and I try really hard to not cause ourselves stress, but in reality, we definitely could do a much better job about saving/spending money more wisely, and neither of us get anywhere close to enough exercise. We are both also very selfish. I know that I tend to blame Nik for a lot of our stresses, especially when it comes to money, and he blames me, because it is much easier to blame the other than to accept the blame. The fact that we are both easily angered probably points to our own insecurities and selfishness. And, as the book states, selfishness comes in many different forms: lust (not just for a person, but often for others' belongings), greed, pride (putting your own ego or reputation first), bitterness (this is a BIG one for me)...and none of these things are ever fulfilled. We all have heard of people having all the money and belongings in the world, and still not being happy. Nik and I definitely need to quit constantly wanting so many things, and realize that God has provided us with everything we need -- and then some!

By choosing to LOVE when faced with these other stressors/selfish tendencies, we can ameliorate the problem -- of course, that is much easier said than done. Love will always prioritize family and their happiness over our own wants, love is showing true happiness for another's successes instead of being envious, and love is content with what we have instead of creating debt by trying to obtain things we can't really afford.

I doubt that Nik and I will encounter a "tough circumstance" today since we don't have money issues right this second (this may be a different post in a few weeks or so!), but I will continue to not only not say negative things to Nik today, but to also react to any arguments or disagreements with patience and love instead of just blame and anger.

Day 5 - Love Is Not Rude

Love is not rude

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him.

—Proverbs 27:14

Here are three guiding principles when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:

1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated (see Luke 6:31).

2. No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.

3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do. If in doubt, then ask.

Today’s Dare

Ask your spouse to tell you three
things that cause him or her to be
uncomfortable or irritated with you.
You must do so without attacking them
or justifying your behavior. This is
from their perspective only.

-----------------------------

The words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious. (Ecclesiastes 10:12)

I am going to be a day behind now, because my husband is not cooperating, and won't tell me three things that I do/don't do that make him uncomfortable or irritated. And let me just say, the fact that he is not telling me these things, is making me irritable haha. So for now, I'm going to put the three things I think irritate him about me:

1.) I call myself fat a lot. I'm very obsessed with weight, and I know that my diet and me constantly talking about feeling fat and ugly really irritate him.

2.) He thinks I nag too much. I ask for help with the girls because I think he doesn't help with them enough sometimes, and that's what our biggest fights are usually about (or start out with).

3.) He thinks everything has to be "my way or the highway". I personally don't think I'm like that, but I bet he would say I am.

So now when he decides to let me know what he really thinks they are, I'll be sure to update!

Day 4 - Love is Thoughtful

I know, I know, I've done a lot of posts today. But in reading ahead, I realized that Day 4 is already something I do every single day! I don't think a single day has gone by since Nik and I started dating seriously that I have not called him to see how he was doing and let him know I was thinking of him, and ask if he needs anything. He works such long days, that I really enjoy getting to talk to him on the phone, even though it's usually just for a couple of minutes (never more than 4 or 5). Plus, it helps me get an idea of how is day is going, so I can try and make him feel better when he gets home if he's had a particularly bad day.

So, tomorrow I'll be doing Day 5 instead of Day 4. But just for anyone who's curious, here is what the book says for Day 4 (the short version, of course).

Love is thoughtful

How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . .
How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them,
they would outnumber the sand. —Psalm 139:17–18

Today’s Dare

Contact your spouse sometime during
the business of the day. Have no agenda
other than asking how he or she
is doing and if there is anything
you could do for them.

-------------------------------------------

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you. (Philippians 1:3)

Day 3 - Love Is Not Selfish

Love is not selfish

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love;
give preference to one another in honor. —Romans 12:10

Today’s Dare

Whatever you put your time, energy, and
money into will become more important
to you. It’s hard to care for something
you are not investing in. Along with
restraining from negative comments,
buy your spouse something that says,
“I was thinking of you today.”

Well, today's dare presents a bit of a challenge. First, we are on a tight budget, and my husband would probably appreciate it more if I didn't buy him anything. Secondly, I don't have plans to leave the house today. I went to a playdate earlier and I don't think dragging the kids around anymore today would be fair. Thirdly, I have NO IDEA what I could buy for him. I know he wants a Play Station 3, but I just don't have $300+ to spend, not including the games that go with it! So instead, I am doing more things to show him I'm thinking of him instead of buying things. I still need to finish his laundry, and vaccuum the house. I think if I have all that done by the time he gets home, along with having dinner cooked and the kitchen cleaned, he will see that I was thinking of him.

I am still struggling with doing things while he is not doing them. It is very hard to remind myself to not be selfish. I am such a selfish person, as we all are. It is hard for me not to think "Well I'm going to just sit here and play with the girls and ignore the mess, because he was here for an hour and ignored the mess," when really, I should do it anyway, because all I'm doing otherwise is perpetuating selfish behavior. I need to more often say "no" to my wants so I can say "yes" to fulfilling his and my daughters' needs. I guess, when I think about it, I'm even being selfish writing this blog post right now, because there are other things I could be taking care of that show him I love him, and I am writing this post for me. So, let me get on that. Hopefully tomorrow while I'm out running errands, I will think of something good to buy for Nik to make up for today's dare.

My motivation -- should have written this one first!

I really should have written this post first, but oh well! I just want to write a short little ditty about my motivation for taking The Love Dare challenge. My husband, Nik, and I have a great marriage, as far as I'm concerned. However, it is far from perfect. We fight and argue, mostly over things like dirty clothes on the floor and money (or a lack thereof). We met and fell in love about 4 and a half years ago, before we had to worry about joint bank accounts, kids fussing, paying bills together, or being responsible adults. LIFE can really get in the way of LOVE. Also, the beginning of a relationship, whether you want to admit it or not, is often based a lot on a physical attraction and lust. Due to stress, 2 pregnancies (me), a hard, grueling job (Nik), and not having the time, money, or energy to invest in our selves and our appearances, we no longer look much like the same people who met back in 2005. We are still attracted to each other, of course, but it's different now. I'm sure any of you who are married will agree. Although the physical attraction and lust are mostly gone, we have a lot of love and respect for each other now, which I think is even better.

**PS, I have horrible writing skills. I write like I talk, and if you've ever spoken to me, you know I get off track really easily and often forget my point. I promise I'll get to it sooner or later, as long as I'm not interrupted. Sorry!! :)**

Okay, on with my story. Like any marriage, we have our issues. A long, honest talk with my mother (which is very rare. I don't share nearly as much with her as some people do. I desperately need her approval and love, and so I sugar-coat things when I talk to her sometimes. She sees right through it. She is my mother, after all :)) made me realize that a lot of these "little" issues that I've been ignoring or just letting slide, will one day become much bigger issues, and will be impossible to change at that point. She knows from experience. My biggest fear in life (besides going to Hell, but that's in death) is having an unhappy marriage and getting divorced. See, that's what happened to my parents. They married young, had children young, and my mother stayed at home with us while my dad worked. They didn't have much money at all, and didn't work well as a team in managing the money. My dad had some really bad habits (smoking, mostly, and drinking) that cost money, and my mom spent all of her time with us and not getting any kind of break. They lost the ability to relate to each other's lives, and my mom spent a lot of her time trying to "fix" things...trying to come up with money when my dad spent out of the budget, trying to keep him from getting angry (he had a bad temper), etc. One of their biggest issues is that my mom is a very strong Christian, but when she met my dad, she was at a point in her life where her relationship with God was not her first priority. I don't think it was ever his top priority. When they had children and she wanted to raise us as Christians, and take us to church, he did not want a part of it. To keep the peace, she basically let him do whatever he wanted, sleep in on Sundays, spend money how he saw fit, and didn't argue too much. Finally, after 18 years of this, she was fed up. By then it was too late, and he was not willing to change. They finally got a divorce when I was 15, and it was horrible. It took a huge toll on my sisters and I, and I never want to put my children through that. My dad always said he still loved my mom, and although they spoke poorly of each other often, he always told us that she was the best mother in the world. When I got pregnant with my first child, he urged me to move closer to my mom and get as much help and advice from her as I could. Even though they both remarried, my dad always said he still loved my mom. I know he loved his new wife, too, but I think he really regretted a lot of things he did or didn't do to cause their marriage to fail. Of course, by then, it was much too late. Fortunately, when he died, he had accepted Jesus as his savior and asked for forgiveness for his sins, and I am confident I will see him again in Heaven.

ANYWAY, long story, um, long, my mom has told me that watching me and Nik is like watching herself and my father all over again. My whole life, I've been told I'm just like her. I look just like her, we have the same mannerisms, and I realize I am very similar to her. That makes sense, because she's been my hero for my entire life. Even when she irritates me, I know deep down that she is right. So, this time, I had to listen to her. One of her pieces of advice was to try and get him to church, which I've been trying to do for awhile. She also suggested watching the movie "Fireproof" together. I was a little wary and figured Nik wouldn't watch it, but I put it at the top of our Netflix queue anyway. We got it Saturday, and watched it together. It is definitely not Oscar-worthy, but it's not so bad that you miss the message. By the end, we were both crying (he would be very angry to know I wrote this! haha), and it made us both want to make major changes in our lives and our marriages. Nik said nothing has ever made him want to change and be a better person until that movie. The parts dealing with "trash" on the computer really spoke to Nik, and the part where Caleb's father tells him "God holds you to His standards, not yours, and one day you will answer to him" really spoke to me (I know I mentioned my biggest fear is going to Hell, so hearing the reality of that as a possibility is enough to make me want to change everything). So we decided to start The Love Dare.

We started Sunday, and you can follow through my posts on how I'm doing. I'm not going to speak for Nik, and say whether or not he's doing it also, but I am going to continue to pray for him and hope that he keeps the same feelings he had at the end of the movie. I hope I do, too. I really recommend this movie to anyone who is married or who is engaged. It is a life-changing movie, and I'm so glad I listened to my mom!

Day 2 - Love Is Kind

Love is kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32

Today’s Dare

In addition to saying nothing
negative to your spouse again today,
do at least one unexpected gesture
as an act of kindness.

What is desirable in a man is his kindness. (Proverbs 19:22)

Yesterday was Day 2 for me, and although it was not difficult, it was kind of exhausting. It was Monday, so Nik was off to work, so avoiding saying negative things to him was very easy. However, I wanted to do something really nice for him to show him how much I care and that I'm thinking about him. So I called him before going on a walk and playdate to see if he could meet me somewhere around lunchtime for me to bring him some food. After my playdate, I got in touch with him, and even though I was tired from my walk and both girls were sleeping already (which is very rare), I packed up a lunch for him, along with a bottled water and two snacks (we're on a specific diet that calls for eating every 3 hours, and he never can do it because he's so busy), and drove 30 minutes to meet him and give him his lunch. I didn't feel like that was quite enough, so I also came home and did ALL of his dirty laundry. Usually I would tackle my own pile of clothes first, but since I wanted to show that I was thinking of him and his needs first, I made sure his clothes were all done before anyone else's. I unfortunately did not get time to put them all away, but he still seemed very appreciative. I'm not sure if he is still doing the Love Dare, which I couldn't quit thinking about yesterday, so the hardest part so far is just reminding myself that it doesn't matter if he's doing it, or if I feel he deserves what I'm doing for him. God loves us and blesses us even though we do not deserve it, and so I want to learn to show the same kind of love and unselfishness towards my husband. I have a long way to go before my mind and heart get to the same place!

Day 1 - Love Is Patient

Love is patient

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient,
bearing with one another in love. —Ephesians 4:2 NIV

Today's Dare

The first part of this dare is fairly
simple. Although love is communicated
in a number of ways, our words often
reflect the condition of our heart. For
the next day, resolve to demonstrate
patience and to say nothing negative
to your spouse at all. If the temptation
arises, choose not to say anything. It’s
better to hold your tongue than to say
something you’ll regret.

The first day's dare, like the book says, is pretty easy. It was actually very easy for me to not say negative things to Nik on Sunday, which was the first day of our Love Dare. The movie "Fireproof" moved us both so much, that we were very gung-ho about doing the Love Dare and making our marriage stronger. We are not at the point of a divorce, or anywhere close to that, but we do have some problems showing each other how we really feel, and we definitely tend to say a lot of small, negative, bickering things to each other on a daily basis that tend to culminate into a big fight every few weeks or so. We have had fights before that are very similar to the big fight in "Fireproof" between Caleb and his wife, which is why the movie spoke to us so much.

I've been reading ahead some, and it looks like the dares coming up may get to be a little more tough. Wish us luck!!